Jungle Boogie.

Damn. Oprah has a new fetish. Not Plushies. Not Furries. Sorry Gayle, you can put away your crotchless Foghorn Leghorn outfit. No, Oprah is OBSESSED with hostages! It’s only been a week since the start of her final season and she’s had 3 hostages on….oh and did I mention that another episode this week is about an Iranian hostage. Where is Kirstie Alley in a bikini? Where is the pregnant man? Where is Stedman?? Actually, this episode was pretty amazing and inspiring, even without the help of Ms. Liza Minnelli. The hour told the tale of the world’s most famous hostage, Ingrid Betancourt (a candidate for Colombian Presidency), who endured 6 ½ years of living in the Amazon jungle with a Colombian Guerilla Terrorist group. Here’s what I’ve learned in my quest to become a better person with the help of Oprah’s guiding Stigmatic hand:

- Ingrid Betancourt’s Lifetime Original Biopic will star none other than Celine Dion….perfect casting
- Sometimes Oprah gets lazy and makes her guests read passages aloud from their own book.
- On the bright side, being held hostage can also serve as an amazing diet.
- Whole Foods got an emphatic endorsement as the leader in the Supermarket race for the recently freed hostage demographic
- Ingrid lives in NYC now and hangs out in a park by my apartment, so we’re basically friends, and will probably have lunch before the end of the year. And by lunch I mean a piece of bark from a tree with a side of mosquitoes and feces. I just want to make her feel at home.
- Oprah displayed an ugly color today, and not just her plum lipstick. Ms. Winfrey is not a fan of her guests being as poignant and well-spoken as she. In fact, she immediately jumps in during their cathartic monologues and makes a joke to distract from their words. She then finishes their statement and takes all of the credit. I’m onto you O!
- Wendy Williams had on Mark McGrath and Eric Roberts who discussed the juicy details of this season’s Celebrity Rehab (a very similar episode arc as compared to Ingrid’s story)

I’d say I’m excited for tomorrow’s Oprah, but she’s just having on more hostages. Hostages are so season 23. Get with it Ms. Winfrey. We want to see Justin Bieber and Snooky sit in your butter yellow chairs whilst Maya Angelou reads a poem and you give your audience brand new Salad Shooters. Make it happen!

-MIKE