Paper Bag Fail

So here are some thoughts I jotted down while sitting in Dolores Park when I was in San Francisco. I think someday I shall write a novel on the subject. There is just so much to talk about…

"Paper Bag Fail"

I'm sitting in the people-watching mecca that is Dolores Park in San Francisco, and that really seems to be the thing to do here--that and drink. Drink, unabashedly, with totally exposed containers. Wait, I take that back. Some are rocking the paper bag. You know, the paper bag? The art of camouflaging your forty of Colt 45 or pint of Jack with a nondescript, brown paper bag. This, evidently, mystifies the police force. Drinking out of paper bags. A kid runs by me with a forty of Old English. He might be 10 years old. A cop might stop him and say:

"Excuse me, kid, what is that you are drinking?"

"Um, paper bag sauce."

"Oh, paper bag sauce?"

"Yes, paper bag sauce. You bet."

"Well then, have a nice day."

What are people thinking when they cover their Bacardi 151 in a paper bag? That no one will notice that they are drinking alcohol? That can't be the case. That can't be. People aren't that dense. There has to be more to it. Is there an incident on record when a police officer approached a man whom he suspected to be getting pissed in public, and upon seeing the paper bagged beverage, just walked away? Was he with another cop? Did their exchange go like this?

"Hey Fred, sure looks like that one over there is drinking in public."

"I'm not so sure."

"Fred, the man is vomiting on the children and carrying a beverage. It's a public park. No alcoholic beverages allowed."

"I'm not so sure. There's no way to tell if it's an alcoholic beverage. It's covered in a paper bag."

"Point taken. If we had x-ray vision, we could determine if it was alcoholic or not."

"But we don't have x-ray vision."

"No we don't, Fred. No we don't."

Then do they walk away? Or does it go something like this…

"Hey Fred, that one over their looks a bit drunk."

"He does seem to be vomiting on the children. He is carrying a beverage."

"And it's a public park."

"True dat."

"But then again, he's only drinking from a paper bag."

"That he is."

"Have you ever had paper bag?"

"I don't drink."

"But Paper Bag is non-alcoholic."

"Yeah, I don't drink diet stuff."

"Oh right."

"The aspartame. It's nasty stuff."

"So I've heard, Fred. So I've heard."

Or is it one of those "need a warrant" type deals?

"Excuse me sir, is that an alcoholic beverage you are consuming in public?"

"No."

"I'm mighty suspicious."

"No, it's just a...a diet coke."

"Well why do you have a diet coke wrapped in a paper bag?"

"To keep it warm."

"To keep it warm?"

"To keep it warm."

"All right. Move along."

"Thanks, officer."

"Wait a minute! I'm really gonna have to search that paper bag of yours."

"No!"

"I really must."

"Do you have a warrant?"

"Well..."

"You gotta have a warrant, right?"

"I suppose..."

"You need a warrant sucka!!!"

And then the drunk is scot-free.

I must get into the minds of these paper bag fiends. I could never bring myself to actually wrap my adult beverage in a paper bag because in no way does it make a lick of sense to me. If I even tried to wrap my Boones Farm in a paper bag I think my hands would freeze up cuz my brain would have collapsed inwards like a supernova. What is the missing link? What do they KNOW?!!!

Meanwhile, the 10-year-old gallops past me with an un-bagged forty of Old English. He's quite happy. But he's gonna get caught. He's gonna get caught. I just know it.

 JEFF

p.s. That’s the picture of where I “camped” in San Fran—literally just steps from Candlestick Park…